so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
