Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
