what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
