Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
