please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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