we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
