Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
