Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
