fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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