I wanna bring you to show and tell
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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