when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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