Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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