"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
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I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
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I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow