i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"