Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere