You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
