Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It's blow job season.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
