if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
