We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
