farters have to be the big spoon...
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
