I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
