So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Randomize
