i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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