rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
