I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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