i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
