Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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