she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
