so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
