I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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