Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
