You don't have asthma, your pregnant
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
