he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
