Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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