I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
