GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
