our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
