Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
