I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
And then my night got REAL pukey
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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