yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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