So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
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because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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