WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
