Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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