totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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