I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Please, let me fuck your mom
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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