ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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