I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
