At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
