I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
