so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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