I CAN MOONWALK!
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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