No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
