I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
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We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
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After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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