my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
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Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
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I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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