The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
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Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
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You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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