I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Randomize
