I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
