Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
