Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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