and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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