Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
