I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
